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smallp0x
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Interests: Guitar, Songwriting, Poetry, Prose, Reading, Cigarettes, Scotch, Bourbon
Expertise: Writing
Occupation: Laborer/Musician/Songwriter
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/28/2005
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| I don't know why I insist on torturing myself. She drives me crazy. I've spent the past three nights with her but I know it means nothing to her. She is the only person I've ever met that I could spend the rest of my life with. I'm feeling like shit right now. Withdrawl. Love is a drug. Times like these the Big Sleep looks increasingly attractive...
EDIT:
Just took a handful of my anti-depressants and painkillers. I just want to be numb for a little while. It seems to be working now.
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| She makes me crazy, sets me off guard and leaves me speechless. I have no air in my lungs to feed my racing heart. If history is any accurate judge, things are going to get rough and fast...
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| My, how cruelly the years have passed me by. At the start of my 20th year on this twisted terra I feel it is time to stop and take stock. What has my wild trip done for me? What has it done to me? Am I the vicious doomhead or am I the someone who actually gives a shit?
The way I see it my life started about 3 years ago when I started this wretched testament.
Sigh enough of this damn prefacing let's rip this thing apart.
I slept through most of high school. I got a 4.0. I don't believe I learned a damn thing in those 4 years of schooling. Everything part of my education that has mattered to me has been self-taught. Everything else is just random facts that only really comes in handy when you're a guest on Jeopardy. Maybe that's an exaggeration, I probably should have payed some attention to grammar and spelling. But hey, I think I can say I'm more skilled in the use of the English language than 90% of my peers. God maybe I am an arrogant ass...
I came out of high school with a seriously bent take on social drinking. Alcohol, marijuana and methamphetamine are all small towns really have to offer in the way of weekend activities
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I went directly from high school into college at Iowa State University.
I was in the wrong field from the start.
I stepped up my drinking.
I got involved with a homecoming queen who ripped me apart and dumped me.
I stopped going to class
I stepped up my drinking.
I fell haphazardly in with another girl who liked me, really liked me but whose feelings I couldn't honestly return.
I was an ass, things fell apart and she got hurt.
I got involved with another girl who got knocked up by some 16 year old kid.
I stepped up my drinking.
I ran out of money after a few months.
I started to steal alcohol from Hy-Vee at the rate of $100+ a night
I started drinking higher qualities of liquor.
I stepped up my drinking.
At this point I was drinking about 2 fifths of liquor 7 days a week (Mostly 101 proof bourbon).
By December 2006 I was a complete wreck. I had become chemically addicted to alcohol and developed Severe Psychotic Depression (although this would go undiagnosed for another 12 months).
I came home, got a job, and started taking classes at a local community college.
I only binge drank on the weekends.
I became infatuated with a girl I knew from Iowa State who said she couldn't date me because I was an ass to and dumped one of her closest friends (mentioned previously).
It was February (in itself a quite depressing month) and I fell into a deep and dark place.
I came close to offing myself many times over the next few months.
Spring arrived and kicked me out of my hole.
I started to see things new again.
I again became infatuated with a girl who made me feel like everything was alright.
She disappeared the day I was going to tell her how I felt.
I stopped going to class.
I spent the summer with all my friends and things were relatively good.
Fall came and two of my closest friends moved to Chicago.
In October I tried to drive to Chicago out of my mind on pills.
I got lost in nowhere Iowa, had a shotgun pulled on me and was arrested for DUI Oct. 29.
Things fell apart.
I gradually stopped going to work.
I was fired.
I spent November in my dealer's apartment.
I got used to using pills as currency. 4 klonopin were worth 1 pack of cigarettes, 5 adderall and 5 klonopin were were worth driving someone to the doctor to fill their script, 1 seroquel was worth a gram of weed.
I took trazadone, klonopin, seroquel, adderall, vicodin, percocet and percodan like they were Flintstones vitamins.
I had a psychotic break two days after Thanksgiving.
I checked myself into a psych ward to keep from killing myself.
I stayed clean until New Year's Eve.
I went to Chicago to see my friends.
I drank a bottle of Johnnie Red and blacked out at 11:59pm.
I puked on my friend's futon.
I fell out of the shower and chipped a tooth.
I finished my time in rehab and started working for an older friend of mine making CD's from his LPs
I got paid $10 a record and all the Chicago KB I could smoke.
Things were good and I took my medicine.
I moved into my friend's house this summer.
I started drinking heavily again and couldn't work.
He asked me to leave.
I've cleaned up lately. I have been able to give clean UAs for two months now. I don't drink so much anymore.
I'm thinking about going to music school in Minneapolis next year.
Things are looking good as of late and I may have found someone I can really love.
Let's hope things turn out better this time around...
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| Society what do I owe you?
Can I write out a check?
What will satisfy your insistence?
You demand my obedience in mind, body and soul
Tag me with labels to shame me
Junkie Drunk Loser Long Hair Freak
So be it, collared shirts and suckcess were never my scene
Write me of if I don't swallow television hype, rat race philosophy, and cultural mediocrity like whores you've raised
What have you given me?
Jail time and Criminal charges, slavery in Probation
I will not apologize to you
I don't owe you a damn thing
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| Television sucks
Radio sucks
MTV, Family Guy, FOXNEWS, CNN and Comedy Central dumb down.
My generation is raised on crappy pop, moronic mass produced rock and self serving hip hop.
Commercials brain wash.
Idiocy is mistaken for humor.
I want to disassociate myself from all of this bullshit.
It's disgusting.
Give me Blues, Jazz, Folk and Beatles and Leave me the hell alone.
I don't want to listen to your self-absorbed bullshit.
Fuck your Guitar Hero. You're wasting your time.
Pick up a god damn book that doesn't have pictures for once.
Don't talk to me about religion.
Don't talk to me about sobriety.
I'm sick of living up to someone else's expectations.
Give me whiskey and give me guitar.
Give me marijuana and give me harmonica.
Give me some peace of mind and silence.
There's too much noise.
My hands are shaking to much to type.
Fuck your hype.
I'm going to sleep.
Just leave me be.
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